I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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