your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
