You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
