my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
