I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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