I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
