Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
