I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
