hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
