I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
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I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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