is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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