I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
