I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
God, I missed his penis.
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