So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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