so explain again why im purple
no
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
