I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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