I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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