that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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