I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
