I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
