Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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