those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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