Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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