I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
