you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
