I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.