You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?