If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.