nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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