Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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