That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
