Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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