I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
