Ketchup is God's man juice
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
