You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.