If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
