I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
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he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
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I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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