how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.