Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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