If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
