you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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