I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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