Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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