Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
