She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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