I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
