If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.