I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?