Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.