Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.