don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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