You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
