Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
