A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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