This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
